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Friday, December 26, 2008

Confession

I can remember when I realized that I was gay, I was about 8 years old. It was a scary time. I was in the "closet" further than anyone knew.

When I was in my early teens, one year I dressed up as a girl. I had no clue what all went on with this, oh man the makeup and all that stuff. Oh wow, I don't know how they do that every day. But I went to this Halloween Party. I only knew one person there. And he left me standing there, I went and mingled, I ended up hanging with the girls. It was fun. As the party was coming to the end, there was a costume contest. They were picking the best costume. You know I won that hands down. Everyone there except my friend, thought I was a girl.

Christian middle school, is where I learned how to kiss a guy. I was snooping one day and entered this hall way and at the end of it was what I thought was an empty room. As soon as I entered the door, I saw two guys a few years older than me, they were kissing. I just stood there frozen. This I have never seen in my life. When they spotted me, watching them they were upset. They was more angry that someone found out their secrets. They pushed me up against the wall and threatened me, they started to hit me, when I yelled wait, will you guys teach me how to kiss? They were a bit confused. I thought it was the only way out of this horrible situation that I got myself into. I was not a fighter then, I was a skinny boy and scared really bad at that point. They did teach me how to kiss.

At 16 I had to teach myself how to
look at guys in public without them knowing I was looking at them. I had to watch their eyes, see where they are looking and then take a quick look. It became an art. I perfected it very well. I also have learned a lot from watching peoples eyes. I cannot tell you how many straight guys, I caught looking at guys. With their wife/girlfriend right next to them. I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret.

Gaydar kicks in - I started knowing who was gay around me. It's a feeling, and it is just weird.

At 17 was the point where I actually asked myself if I was gay. I said I cannot be gay. I am a Christian. I am a Baptist Preacher's Kid. I cannot be gay! The Bible says how wrong it was. I became so very depressed that I almost killed myself. I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret. I prayed every day to have this demon removed from me. I begged the Lord to remove the feelings, because it was hard on me.

At 18 two of my friends came screaming out of the closet. I felt more scared then. I didn't want anyone to know that I was gay too. I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret. I prayed every day to have this demon removed from me. I begged the Lord to remove the feelings, because it was to hard on me.

At 19 things started getting back to a norm. I wasn't scared anymore, and I was talking to my gay friends now. I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret. I prayed every day to have this demon removed from me. I begged the Lord to remove the feelings, because it was to hard on me.

At 20 I am fighting myself once again. This time I was depressed to but instead of trying to kill myself, I just cried all the time. I remember one time that my mom asked what was wrong. But I just could not tell her. I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret. I prayed every day to have this demon removed from me. I begged the Lord to remove the feelings, because it was to hard on me.

At 21 my life went nuts. On my birthday, well I went to two bars, first I went out with my straight friends, then I met my gay friends and we went to the gay bar. I danced my night away. I was dancing with hot guys. I was having the time of my life. There was this one night that I was at the gay bar, I saw this guy across the bar, the closer I got, the more he looked like, no it couldn't be. He was a family member of a preacher that I knew. I walked up to him and he was freaking out. I calmed him down, and we talked the rest of the night, mostly about camp, that is where we knew each other from. I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret.

At 22 member of the church came to me often and asked when I was going to get married and have kids? I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret.

At 25 I married a girl. I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret. I prayed every day to have this demon removed from me. I begged the Lord to remove the feelings, because it was to hard on me.

At 28 I told my wife I was gay. (she said that explains it) She told me I could look, but never touch. I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret. I prayed every day to have this demon removed from me. I begged the Lord to remove the feelings, because it was to hard on me.

At 33 I told my father I was gay. I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret. I prayed every day to have this demon removed from me. I begged the Lord to remove the feelings, because it was to hard on me.

At 34 my father and I are speaking normal again. My father never stopped talking to me, but it was different. I did not tell him for shock value, I had to tell him, because of his ministry. I didn't want anyone to tell him that I was gay. I wanted it to come out of my mouth. I am in church, learning about god. But I have a secret. I prayed every day to have this demon removed from me. I begged the Lord to remove the feelings, because it was to hard on me.

At 36 I got a divorce. I was ready to be out for once and for all. I tried for 20 years to be straight, to act straight, to think straight, to walk straight, to talk straight, to watch my every move.

At 36.5 I came screaming out of the closet. My screams became very loud, when my ex-wife went to every friend, church member, everyone that I knew, including co-workers and told them I was gay. I am glad she did, it made it easier on me. At least I didn't have to figure out how to tell them. =o)

12 comments:

FrankG said...

I understood your feelings and fears as I lived with them too. I am inspired by what you wrote and I am going to tell my story too!

allenmcalister.com said...

@ FrankG thanks for the comment. One thing that is for sure, I will never be back in the closet!

Doug aka benknown2 said...

Allen,
I admire your bravery and the style with which you consolidated the fears, guilt and oppression that we often put ourselves through. I can relate to 90% of your story. Thank you for sharing, for being brave and for knowing that your feelings and desires are just the way God made you. There is nothing for God to remove, you are just the way you are suppose to be.

Doug aka benknown2

Anonymous said...

AllenBaby, You are so brave. I love you so much.
Always your princess
AC

allenmcalister.com said...

@ Doug - Thanks for your kind words, that means so much to me!

@ AC - woot you do read my post. Love ya girl!

Anonymous said...

Allen, its been so long. Call or email me sometime.
Paul

kelly said...

well well well it is a damn time u did this i know that it has been eatting at you for years now and i am so proud of you. and i was so happy to hear from you also i hope that you had a very merry christmas and that 2009 will be the very best to come for you but after what i have just been readying i am sure i will be i am so very happy for you i love you my friend and the kids are doing great and as for myself i am hanging in there (((hugs)))) to you xoxoxoxo kells

allenmcalister.com said...

@ Paul - email me your information

@ Kelly - You still living in the same place? We need to have a cookout again =o)

Anonymous said...

Wow, I am truly impressed with your story. You are a great inspiration to a lot of others in this situation and I am sure this will help them. After your email I came here to check you out and I am glad I did. I am proud to be your cousin!

Talk to you soon darlin,
Linda McAlister

Anonymous said...

Allen
While your story is different than mine, sharing your pain over the choices you made is inspirational. Similar to what I think your moral sense is, I have a strong impulse to be honest and concealing my sexuality brought me a lot of inner turmoil because of that impulse. Thanks for sharing your story--you may think it's important to yourself, but you should also realize that it's important to me as it likely is to others.
Jerry Seaman

allenmcalister.com said...

@ Linda - Thanks

@ Jerry - I am glad that I wrote it, the comments has confirmed that it needed to be written. Thanks

Allen

Bryon Kiser said...

I too have often heard those cries. But today Thank God I believe I have found someone to calm the storm and hold me thru the Nite. Peace be with you my friend.

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